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This, I told Kathy, sounded exactly like the alternate personality I knew from my childhood. Her spaciness. Her yelling nonsensical, dangerous things and then forgetting that she had screamed at all. My mom could snap into another self, and she did. And whether the tumor caused it or was merely a parallel discovery, nobody will ever know.
If I wasn’t going to get confirmation of my mom’s mental illness, from Clem or Phyl or anyone else, I wanted proof of how it might have begun . I wanted the truth about the grandfather. And I got that truth when I spoke with one woman who knew my mom when she was young. This person unfurled her story like a balled-up blanket, and suddenly it was all before me.
My mother had been severely abused.
In 1953, she said, my maternal great-grandfather began molesting my then 5-year-old mother. The assaults went on for years. This person knew because she had grown up around the grandfather and he had raped her, too.
She had never told another soul about her own abuse, this person on the phone, and she sounded relieved to have it out. She made some excuses for James Falkner, said he had once owned a granary in the small town of ” data-disable-toolbar=”true” data-disable-return=”true”>Belvue, Kansas, and had been one of the richest men in town. But then the Depression hit and he lost it all. Maybe this is why he abused young girls, she reasoned; maybe it was repression, frustration, or rage. And then she asked me not to reveal her identity. James Falkner had long been dead, but she had her own family to protect.
This person was in touch with my mom in the last years of her life, when, she said, my mom finally started to remember.
“Your mother, she carried a lot of pain,” the woman said. “She didn’t remember the abuse until a few years ago, just before she got the brain tumor. But then she started having nightmares.”
She said my mother called her when the nightmares began; she was having night flashes of someone, a man, coming to her at night and assaulting her, but at first she didn’t know who it was.
“I didn’t want her to think it was her father, because it wasn’t,” she said. “The grandfather moved in with the family when your mother was about 5. Your mom thought her mother knew it was happening, and it happened all the time. For years.”
I cried when I got off the phone, with sadness for my mom but mostly with relief. The singular darkness lifted from her and landed on a person I had never known but had heard about in snatches of her madness. My mother’s grandfather stories were sequestered away in the part of her brain that lashed and screamed and called me a whore, the same part of her brain that marched her up the stairs and into my bed on a night I wish I could forget. Language fails to reach the experience, the twinned despondence and terror of molest, but I remember it like I remember her words he raped me every night . And when I learned it was true—that my memory of her blocked memory was solid and valid and real—I felt a thin kind of hope. At the end of her life, it seemed, a light had cracked through the blockage; there was a bridge. The mom everyone said was so nice, the mom who “loved everybody, forgave everybody,” was beginning to remember the unforgivable grandfather. And maybe, at the end of her life, there could have been a bridge to me.
I remembered the story of the grandfather that my mother told me. Even when I was a kid, I felt he was part of the mystery, and sometimes when I was brave I would tiptoe into asking her about him.
“I don’t remember anything about my childhood,” she would say. “From about six through sixth grade, it’s all black. I remember dressing up as someone called Mrs. Jones when I was really little, but maybe that’s because there was a picture.”
“And your grandfather?” I asked her.
“I don’t remember him, either,” she said. “There are the stories about him burying his eyeglasses in the garden, but you already know those.”
I’d been afraid, all these years, to diagnose my mother with a mental illness, especially because the disease I thought she had had been so stigmatized. In the nineties, a scandal erupted around recovered memories; experts and laypeople were suddenly claiming that experiences like hers were impossible. The fashion turned, and people suddenly were supposed to never be able to forget serious abuse: The therapists suggested stories and foisted memories on their impressionable patients.
My mother, of course, never went to therapy. In fact, she hated the very idea of psychiatry; I remember her telling me once that there was likely a reason she didn’t remember her childhood, and she didn’t want anybody digging into what she had effectively suppressed.
But if people didn’t believe in the memory blocking, then you can’t have dissociative identity disorder, or multiple personalities, because it is the repression of memories that causes the self to split. And some people don’t believe DID even exists. This is why, despite my mother hitting all of its hallmark signs, I’d been scared to label her that way.

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I have always been interested in the women and prostitution during the era of The Old West. (Most likely because I'm also interested in The Old West in general.) Then, as now, many circumstances led these women to that life. I've always wondered what life would be worse: To live as a prostitute or try to carve a life as a wife/mother in the wild west.
Awesome post! Sex work is the second oldest occupation (some say the first) and will never go away. Now as then, poor, illiterate, marginalized women are forced to use their bodies to survive. Education and women's choice to control their own bodies continues to elude some of our gender.
Thanks for stopping by! I've wondered the same thing myself. Yet even if you started out with the intention of being a wife and mom, what happens when your husband dies or abandons you? What do you do then? How do you support yourself ior your children?
I completely agree. Thanks for stopping by!
Times haven't changed much. Most of what you said about the prostitutes of the Old West is still true of prostitutes today. Like the concept of The Marker. I'm going to take a closer look, add it to my TBR list.
I shared the post and forgot to comment. Fantasic job and very interesting.
And the winner is. Heather Heistand! Please email me with your email addy!
Prostitution Thriving In China: The Dark Underbelly of Economic Prosperity.
Officially illegal since the 1949 Communist takeover, prostitution is nonetheless a widespread, mostly underground, industry in China.
Perhaps no other Chinese city is more closely associated with the world’s oldest profession than Dongguan in the Pearl River Delta, located at the vast country’s southeastern corner, near Hong Kong.
According to a report in Hong Kong’s South China Morning Post, some 300,000 sex workers operate in the streets, massage parlors, karaoke bars, saunas and hotels of Dongguan; and up to 800,000 people — an extraordinary 10 percent of the city’s population – are involved in the sex trade in one form or another.
Aided and abetted by some municipal officials, the sex trade in Dongguan generates as much as 30 percent of the city’s service industry revenues, the Post estimated.
Although prostitution is rife across China, Dongguan has gained the dubious distinction as the country’s “sex capital.”
“Many wives feel anxious whenever their husbands take business trips to Dongguan,” the city’s ex-party chief, Liu Zhigeng, said in 2009. “It’s disgraceful.”
Hundreds of thousands of girls and women end up in Dongguan to sell their bodies for one reason or another.
One 28-year-old prostitute calling herself “Luo” told the Daily Telegraph: “I’m married and have a 22-month-old son. My husband doesn’t know I work here, nor do my parents.”
Luo claimed she was forced into the sex trade after incurring huge debts gambling in the casinos of nearby Macau.
“I have no other option. I will leave this place [brothel] after I earn 20,000 ($3,250) or 30,000 yuan and I’ll probably return to the casino to try and win it back,” she added.
Another girl named “Tong” from Jiangxi province claimed that she was “tricked” into working as a bar-girl by a friend.
“I had no idea what business was going on here until I came,” she said.
Yet another prostitute, Ling Ling, who came from Guizhou, China’s most impoverished province, said she turns tricks because it generates more money than toiling on an assembly line at a toy factory.
“I have no choice. I have to support my family,” she said.
Indeed, several factors have conspired to make Donnguan a mecca for prostitution – China’s rapid economic growth has attracted hundreds of thousands of migrants from the poor interior of the country to the affluent cities of the coast, desperate to make a decent living; the gender gap between male and female has created an imbalance leading to an army of men without wives who seek sex partners; while Dongguan’s proximity to wealthy Hong Kong also attracts large numbers of deep-pocketed sex tourists.
Dongguan officials, embarrassed by their city’s sleazy reputation, have periodically staged crackdowns on the sex trade.
Earlier this year, Dongguan municipal authorities sought to clean up the city’s image through a public relations campaign to recast the former factory hub as a place of culture, art and modernity. They even produced a promotional film with help from the Discovery Channel of the U.S.
Police and security officials also embarked on a crackdown on brothels and other places where prostitutes ply their trade.
However, despite the best efforts of city fathers and commercial TV directors, prostitution pervades the city of Dongguan.
A report from new.e23.cn (as translated by eChinacities.com) suggests that Donggan’s smut industry is resilient and also highly organized.
A driver who arranges for visitors to find prostitutes in Donnguan told new.e23.cn: “We are a team of about 20 drivers who have contractual agreements with various hotels in Dongguan. We’re responsible for picking up clients from Shenzhen and other nearby areas, and make several trips to and from Dongguan each day. … On the weekends we can get as many as 100 clients.”

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